Right now I am feeling some confusing feelings. And I thought writing it down might help me process my thoughts. So here it goes....
I feel like I go through seasons in life when I am sad because of my friendships. There are very few friends I have who reach out to me. I feel like I mostly reach out to all of my friends. And it always make me wonder things?? Like....
- Do I just have WAY more time on my hands then my friends do?
- Do I value the friendship in a different way? Maybe more than them??
- Am I just reading too much into things (Like lack of being reached out too)?
- Do people just not like me?
Another thought is that maybe I just need to not think about quantity of friendships, but the quality. I never really felt like I have been the type of person that sits there and counts to see how many friends I have. But I do have a lot of random friendships from different places in life. Some from high school days, some from old jobs that I have had, some from my current job, others from church. Just a lot of different places. So maybe instead of trying to keep all of the friendships alive I should just focus on the friendships I have at hand that I know WANT to be my friend. If I were to say that I am going to stop reaching out to the other friendships, that would go against almost every grain of my body. And that would be really tough. I think I am just a really committed person, and I love to stay connected. I just wish that people would want to stay connected with me as well.
Or maybe right now I am just being a total selfish person?? Wondering why me?? People have lives and maybe I just need to get over that fact that it is not about me. And maybe I need to find peace about that.
I guess I am just struggling. I have had feelings like this before for awhile now that randomly show up. And I thought it was related to s specific friendship. It was a friendship that I loved!! And I felt like I poured into it alot and did not see much in return. And I know that could sound pretty awful and selfish. I guess I just feel like friendships should be inputted into by BOTH people not just one. And when it comes to that person I feel like we have figured a lot of things out. So that is good! But it has been surprising to me to see these thoughts and feelings have come back.
I think what I need to do from here is lay out what I want in a friendship. And I think that is ok to have expectations in a friendship. I know I need to realize that it will not always work out that way....but it can still head in that direction. So what I would want would be...
- Someone calling me to hang out. It would not have to be anything specific or even amazing. Just the simple act of calling or txt saying "Hey Amy, wanna hang out today?"
- A deep friendship. I love to have fun and be goofy. And I am totally fine with some superficial converstations. But I LOVE a deep and meaningful relationship.
My last thought is that maybe God is trying to grab my attention for something too? If I am not hanging out with anyone then I would be spending more time with him. And who knows.... that could be what is going on as well. More stuff to pray about for sure!! I hope that I hear God in all of this and find some peace.
Thanks for listening and I hope you can hear what I am saying. I wonder if other people can relate to this as well?? I would really love to hear your thoughts!!
5 comments:
You have such a beautiful heart Amy. I have these same thoughts and feelings about friendship. Growing up I had ONE bff, and very few friends other than that. I invested a lot into that one friendship and when one ended I would mourn. I've been friends with my 'bff' since just before my 13th birthday and we've grown apart a lot. I haven't seen her in months. I usually feel like I don't have a lot to offer a friend, I don't drive so that complicates things, and I am a SAHM who home schools. I guess I think of myself as boring and don't know what to add to a conversation. I often feel like people tolerate my presence more than wanting it.
I admire how honest you are and open hearted. You have always struck me as a super fun and super sweet person.
Amy, your honesty resembles conversations my sister and I have had over the years. For me I had strong friendships thru my school years up thru my college days but somewhere along the way friends started moving, getting married, and having babies causing the relationships to change. (Anne of Green Gables talks of these changes in friendships, too, so you are in good company!). For me there was a good 10 years of having friends but not really good girl friends.
Then out of the small group that Christopher and I faithfully facilitated for years, friendships began to take root. Last year the Lord really impressed upon me to start hosting weekly gathering with the moms and children for lunch and Bible study. I did though it was a BIG step for me to open my little cluttered home every week. But when I did the friendships grew.
The main thing is to obey the Lord and give to others when He says to. Sometimes you see the fruit of your effort and other times you don't. And sometimes you may hear years later that the note, the call, the gift meant much. I do know it's hard to give and give and reach out without a response or with little reciprocation. But I also know that giving open handed love is never a waste. Hang in there and I will pray the Lord guards your heart and mind.
I feel like I could have written this. Both my girls and I have had many conversations about how one sided some friendshipos are about contacting us. But once we are with them (we when we reached out to them) it feels good and not one sided. Are they too busy? Maybe. Are they lazy about friendships? Could be. Do they know how much it hurts to always be the one calling them and asking to share time? Probably not. But they are worth reaching out to, those who feel like kin. Why not, God is always reaching out to me. Love you Amy! Linda Frazier
Thanks Ladies for all your thoughts and comments. It really has been interesting to me how so many people have such a similar struggle but don't really seem to talk about it much. And if we do it is only with the people that we are the closest too. And I think that is ok because those are "safe" people who we know will love us now matter what! I really appreciate you thoughts though!! And I am really encouraged by them!! My hope is to just to remember who I am, and my heart for people. I know it is a gift from God. I think I just listened to the enemy's lies for a little bit. But I am going to work more on tuning him out=) Once again thanks for your thoughts and sharing your heart!!
I know how you feel and I've been there too. At some point, I just move on. When the time is right, we can always reconnect. Love you!
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