Back and Forth, Back and Forth, Back and Forth

I have had such a hard time on knowing if I should or should not seek fertility treatment. I don't know why this is so hard for me to decide. Every time I feel like I am ready to do it I get all gung ho and ready to go. But once it is time to make the call I don't feel at peace about it. I want to know so badly if there is or is not something wrong with me. For me I think the worst case scenario would be for me to go see a fertility specialist and then have them say nothing is wrong that I am totally normal. When for years now I have not ever felt totally normal. I feel like something is wrong. I know I look healthy and I feel healthy. But I just think that there has to be some reason why I have such difficulties getting pregnant. To me a healthy regular person who does not use any sort of protection against getting pregnant would normally have kids quickly and in close age to each other. I struggle so hard with the fact that it took us 5 1/2 years to get pregnant with Rylee. I don't know why I am so hung up on that but I am. It is hard for me to let that go. And now I am going on my 11th year of marriage and I have had 3 pregnancies since. But I lost all 3 babies. And that just brings a whole new wave of emotions. Not only does it take years to get pregnant. But now I have so many questions and fears in my head of if and when I finally get pregnant will I get to keep the baby. I don't feel like my heart can take much more right now. Another reason why I go back and forth between seeing a fertility Dr is because I still have faith and hope in all of the craziness of this that God will give me another child. And I feel like if I seek help of a Dr that I am giving up on all those years of faith and hope. And I don't want to let God down. I know that even as I writing this that sounds so ridiculous...but non the less that is how I am feeling. So this is what I do in my head over and over and over and over and over again. I go back and forth. I try and weigh all my options and I end up not knowing what to do.

Today I decided that I want to seek some answers. I want to know if there is something wrong with me. I truly feel that if there is something wrong and it would be expensive to fix, or really hard to fix that I would be OK with letting go. I am OK with the idea of adopting. Or I can be OK with only having 1 child. I know if you read my blog that you might be thinking "yea right??" but it is true. I feel tortured by the fact that my Dr says that I should be having kids just fine and that my 3 miscarriages were all due to bad luck. So if what he is saying is true I think I should have like 8 kids by now. But since I don't that leads me to believe that something is not right. So if he is right and nothing is wrong with me then non of this makes sense. But if he is wrong and there is something wrong with me then all of this would make sense. hahaha I hope that makes sense=) Anyways I think if I were to find out that I can not have any more kids, or that it would be very difficult than I can be at peace finally and just let go. That is what I am looking for....peace...I just want to let go. But when you heart wants something so bad and everything lines up to make sense, it is hard to let go. So today I made a phone call to make an appt to see a fertility Dr and maybe get some answers.

Needless to say it has made for an emotional day! It is tough!! I don't want to give up on God and the promises I think he has given me. I am not sure if seeing a Dr is giving up? We were told that just to have a consultation with the fertility specialist is pretty $$. They are checking with our insurance if it will be covered. If it is great we will at least talk to him. If not then we are not sure what we are going to do? I don't really want to seek fertility treatment. I just want to know if there is something wrong and we are not in a financial spot to pay all this money to just get an answer. But we will cross that bridge when it happens.

For now I would love all the prayers I can get. I know I am still struggling with grieving. It is so hard to do at times. It is not easy to process all the emotions going on in my head and my heart. There is a lot of stuff processing up there.

It has been more refreshing than I realized to not be on fb much. But I also feel a little disconnected with some of my friends.  I used to go on there and see how everyone is doing. And now I am never really on there much. And I have been so busy this summer with garage selling, camping, vbs, and dance camps that I have not had a chance to connect with my friends like I used too. So I could use prayer for that too. hahaha I honestly feel so raw and like I am such a mess that I can just use lots of prayer for everything in my life!

I will say though that everyday I wake up and I am so thankful that God gives me his mercy and grace each day. I am so thankful that he often fills me with his peace. I am so thankful every day that he has blessed me with an amazing and supportive husband. I am so thankful everyday that he has blessed me with Rylee. She fills my heart with so much joy each day. I love listening to her sing. I love watching her dance. I love watching her pretend. I love so many little details about her. So even though I am struggling with a few areas in my life. I am also over flowing with blessings in many areas of my life!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. To hear my thoughts! It means a lot!! I know for me it helps a lot to write it out. For some reason it is easier for me to blog my thoughts then to write them out in a journal. I hope that if you have an area in your life that you struggle with that you can seek God! Even though this sucks and it is hard I can not imagine doing it with out Jesus by my side. So I pray that as you read this that you are filled with his peace that transcends all understanding!!

xoxoxo
Amy