Good Grief

There are many days that I think I am just a crazy person. I would say that because I always have so many thoughts fluttering around in my head. I feel like my brain is going a million miles a minute. 

As of late I have had an even harder time then usual processing all my thoughts. There are many times I don't feel like I even complete a full thought. And it is those little things that make me feel like a crazy person at times. 

(This is a picture of how my brain works. Yikes!)

After much confusion and a lot of tears I think I have come to the conclusion that I am experiencing grief. I think I have been in some serious shock for a while. And now I am really starting to process everything that has happened. 

One thing that has lead me towards this conclusion is that there have been things lately that have "triggered" me.  I would say a HUGE thing lately that has been really tough for me and honestly makes me mad and sad all at once is when people try to relate to me. I don't feel like there are many people who can understand what I am going through. I am not saying that there are not people out there who don't understand. It just seems like they are very far and few in between. Not only that but everyones experiences are so different. Some people might be able to relate to me because they have been "trying" for years to get preganant. And other people might be able to relate because they have lost a few babies. I personally only know two people who have experienced 3 or more miscarriages. One lady I know who has been an amazing support to me has lost 3 babies. And my husbands cousin has lost alot!! I am not sure how many but way more than 3. I can't think of too many things that are harder on this earth than losing a baby. It is truly heart breaking. 

So when people say that they can understand how I feel or try to relate it is tough for me. I do feel a little alone on this journey. I know I am not alone, that is a fact that I know. But I just feel alone, and that can be tough.

Also the other thing I have discovered that is really tough for me right now is Facebook. I LOVE Facebook and I have for a long time. But right now it seems like every time I go on I just end up getting sad. So I have decided for the most part to stay away from it for a while. Just until my heart get a little stronger and better.

Now with all of this being said...I like to try and see the glass half full. 

So I want to end on a glass half full kinda side =)

My good thoughts are:

• I know this is just a season. I know I will not feel this way forever. (PTL)
• I look forward to more time drawing into God.
• He has given me a goal each day... : Wake up and tell him what I am thankful for.
• I have an AMAZING husband. He loves and supports me in such a special way.
• I have an AMAZING daughter who I love to the depths of my soul. 
• I have a great support system. God has placed some really great woman around me to support me when I have a bad day. Who have committed to praying for me. Who let me just talk and cry when I need too. 
• And when the day comes that he blesses us with another baby I know it will be a glorious day. I have felt very loved in this process and I have had many people tell me that they are praying for us!! So I believe that when the day comes for us to have another baby that there will be a lot of people rejoicing with us!

So yes this season will be hard. But I would call it GOOD GRIEF. I know that God has it all undercontrol. And my goal is just to release all these crazy thoughts and emotions to him. I am going to take it one thought at a time. And one day at a time. I want his truths to be my foundation!!  

Oh yea and also for those of you who read one of my other blog posts about seeing a fertility Dr. I have decided to wait on that. I might do it down the road. But right now my heart is pretty tender and I don't think seeing a Dr. at the moment would be a good thing for me. I am just going to keep trusting in God. And just enjoy my family right now!!

Also I wanted to share a worship song that has been so healing and wonderful for me. I always feel like God speaks to my heart when I worship. I feel so close and intimate with him when I worship. Here is part of the song that I really like:

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

By: Matt Redman

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Thank you again for taking the time to read my Blog. It always means a lot to know that people want to hear my thoughts and hear my heart. I hope that even if you are in a tough season that God will show you the blessings that are around you! 

He LOVES you so very much!!