All or Nothing

This is another blog post that is about me processing. Like I have said in the past...this is a great outlet for me to get my thoughts out and try to wrap my brain around things. And the big "THING" for me these days is pregnancy and babies. I know I write about this alot. And I hope that it does not bug or bore you crazy people who actually read my blog. =)

One thing that is so true about me is that I am pretty extreme with my emotions and thoughts. I am an "all or nothing" kinda gal. I think that is pretty normal for a lot of people. So I know I am not to crazy.....right?? Well my "all or nothing" mind set lately has been more on the "nothing" side. I have been trying to get to a spot where I am "ok" if I don't get pregnant again and have another baby. I was putting "all" my focus on it for such a long long time that I discovered I was not living in the moment. And I was not living in the current blessings God has given me. So to fix that mindset I have switched to the "nothing" side. It felt good for a little while to be there. It felt freeing. It felt like I had released some emotions that I needed to release to God.

But during church tonight I realized that God does not want me to live in the "Nothing" mindset as well. Sheesh....let me tell you...it is hard to get it right. I am sooooo glad that God is sooooo patient with me. I need all the patients that I can get apparently. Anywho like I was saying...while I was at church I was singing and praising God during the worship time. For me that seems to be my most intimate times with him. My heart truly craves to worship him. I NEED it!! I heard a new song tonight. Well it was new to me. It is called "Give Me Faith" . When I heard it I just broke down crying. I felt all the words to the core of my being. Here are a few words from it...

"Give me faith to trust what you say

That your good and your love is great

I'm broken inside. I give you my life.

I may be weak 

Your spirit is strong inside of me

My flesh may fail

My God you never will"

The first line..."Give me faith to trust what you say". That is something I struggle with all the time. I hear God's promises to me. But I doubt often. And I know I need to keep that Faith in what HE says!

The second line...."That your good and your love is great" WOW how true is that?!?! He is so GOOD and his love is amazing! His plans are good for me!!

The third line...."I'm broken inside. I give you my life" I often feel broken inside. Not all the time. But often. And this may sound weird but I think it is good sometimes to feel broken inside. I know it helps me stay connected to God. And I often feel broken during worship. I think that is because when I worship him I see who I am. I see that he is so BIG and all the things that I worry about are so small compared to the greatness of him. I hope that makes sense. To me it does...but sometimes the things in my head make more sense up there then down on paper. 

The fourth and fifth line was when I lost it. I totally started to cry when I was singing it. I often feel weak....but I know I am not. I know that is a lie from the enemy. I know I am strong because of HIS spirit inside of me. 

And the last two lines are so true! "My flesh may fail" (Yes...daily...I am very human) BUT God is never ever going to fail me. AMEN to that!!

So with all that said! I am going to try really hard to believe that I am going to have more kids. Because that is a desire God has put on my heart. And I know he has given me promises that he is not done with me yet! But I am also going to try not to put all my focus on that and let that distract me from all the daily blessings (Rylee Faith Gale) I have around me. 

I love to be challenged by my God. I love to talk to him. I love when he shows me ways I can work on me and draw closer to him. I love that he is so patient with me. And I can not wait for the day when we have another baby and when that baby grows up I can tell him or her how much I prayed for them. I asked God for them. And how that child will be such a miracle and a blessing from God. 

{I found this picture of me pregnant with Rylee. It is pretty special for many reasons.

 1) I did not take that many photos while I was pregnant. Not to sure why? So I really cherish this one. 2) I did not think that the journey to get pregnant again would be as difficult as it was with Rylee. It did not even cross my mind that we would have any difficulties. I was just so excited to finally be pregnant. So seeing this makes me think that next time I am pregnant that I will make sure to cherish ALL the moments. Because only God knows what the journey will be. And I just need to always be thankful for each moment he gives me. Lesson well learned =) }

Pretty cute photo though...huh???=)