Well for anyone who reads my blog regularly (have I told you how much I love you <3) I am sure that this is no shock that I am writing about babies and pregnancy. This seems to be what my heart desires so deeply and because of that I think about it often.... Which leads to writing often. I sure hope I am not making you sick of hearing my thoughts about it often. If so I will try and write about some other things too =) Now I will say that I have gotten much better about not thinking about this topic 24/7. Which is where my head used to be at. I don't have a ratio of how much it is, but it is less. And I think that is a good thing. It allows more time for me to think about my family (Aj and Rylee) and how much I love them!! Which I do in such a deep and intense way. I can not imagine my life with out them. They both bless me every day!!
With all this to say: I have a new plan.
This is something I have thought about and fought about in my head for YEARS! I have wondered if I should see a fertility doctor?? Now some have said "Amy you have been pregnant 4 times. And that is a lot!". And to some that really is a lot. But to others that is not much at all. Here is how I see it...
I am going on my 11th year of marriage. Whoot Whoot!! That is awesome and exciting!! But 10 out of the 11 years I have NOT been on any sort of birth control. I tried it the first year we were married and decided I did not like it. So I was taken off it. At the time I thought "Well we are young and I don't know if I want kids right now. But if it happens it happens." About a year after that I was starting to think..."Hmmm...something should have happened by now??" We are defiantly not celibate in our marriage =) So something more in my mind should have happened.
So anyways after 6 1/2 years of marriage we were BLESSED beyond words with our amazing angel!! And that is how I see her everyday!! Now of course after she was born I did not want to have kids right away. I wanted to wait another year or so. But I still opted out for birth control. And I assumed after having her that pregnancy would come easier. So far I have had 2 pregnancies by taking Clomid. It is a fertility drug that would be the first stages of starting the whole fertility process. And the other 2 came all on their own. 1 of them came right after I miscarried my 2nd. And I had let that baby pass naturally. From what I have heard that if you let it pass naturally that you are WAY more fertile and most woman get pregnant immediately after that. Amazing and weird all at the same time. I think it is God's way of blessing woman with a broken heart. From my experience if you have any sort of a surgery then it takes much longer to get pregnant again.
All of this to say that I think I am finally ready to see a fertility Dr. So far I have only seen my OBGYN. And I think I want to further my horizon with someone else.
I think a BIG reason this is so hard for me is that I am afraid that seeing a fertility Dr would disappoint God. I don't want God to think that I don't trust him. Because I do!! I just believe that he made people smart for a reason and that is how we have amazing Doctors out there. I also have some fears that they might find something wrong with me too! And as good as that would feel to know that there is something wrong and that I am not crazy, I think it would be hard to hear too! But either way I am excited to have this whole process started and get a little more peace of mind.
I would love your prayers as we enter this new stage!! I know that God is faithful and I know he has good plans for me. I know that he would not give me such a deep passion to be a mama with out fulfilling it. I just know it will be in his way and his timing. And maybe this will be part of his way??=)
5 comments:
My prayers are with you & AJ in this new season & venture!! As you know, I can empathize with you. We lost three babies and after 13 yrs of marriage we were tremendously blessed with Alison. And, when we thought she would be it, but had the desire for one more, we were blessed three yrs later with Isabella! Your heart, faith & desires are all in the right place and God did make sure specialized doctors are here for us for many reasons! So again, my prayers are so with you & AJ!!
Hugs & joys!! ~ Jamie
WOW Jamie thank you SOOOO much for your words of encouragement!! It means so much!! I don'f feel like there are that many people who can understand all that goes on in my head and heart. It is so hard to lose 3 babies. My heart hurts often because I wanted them each SO badly! But at least I know that they are in heaven and I know I will see them someday! Once again thank you so much for your words of encouragement!! You are amazing!!
You are so open in your thoughts and feelings! I find this whole discussion extremely easy to relate to. I have worried far too often if turning to medicine means I am denying God. And I really don't think it does.
I am seeing every doctor under the sun who will take me on as a patient. If having a child of my own is against His plan, then even medical intervention won't work. But if that's what I need to do in order to receive His promises, then I'm okay with that.
I'll be praying for your family to be blessed in ways you never even thought possible. :)
Thank you Amber!! That is exactly how I feel!! I do feel like God has promised me. But I feel like he works his promises out in different ways? Maybe this will be his way? If not then like you said it won't happen! And if it does not happen because it is not his will then I am ok with that. I will feel like I tried, and I think peace will come from that! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!! They mean ALOT to me!!
Thanks for sharing Amy! Love you lots! I'll keep praying for you.
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