Faith

I am amazed that when I picked the name for my blog I didn't realize how "real" it would be for me. I am dealing with the struggle of Faith, and Hope every day. I yearn so deeply to be a mama to 3-4 kids. I get stuck so many times in self pity that things just have not played out the way I imagined it being. I got married so young. And all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. I never really went to college. I never had a desire for a career. I knew deep in my heart my desire and dream was to have lots of kids. And I am so thankful every day for Rylee. She makes me laugh so many times through out the day. And I think that because I realize what a miracle she is I feel like God helps me to slow down and take all the fun and special moments in. But my heart still yearns for more. I can't believe that we are at the spot where if we have another baby there will be at least a 5 year difference between them. I grew up in a home of 3 kids in 3 1/2 years. I guess I just thought that was normal and how I would do things. We have never done much of anything to protect us from having any kids. So it just shocks me and amazes me that we have been on this long journey. As some of you know I am seeking fertility treatment. I am not planning on doing anything big at this time. I am just meeting with my Dr and we are doing a process of elimination to see if there is anything wrong with me. And trying to find out why we have such a hard time getting pregnant and then staying pregnant. 

I will say that in all of this I have down my best to keep my faith up and keep believing. I am a very optimistic person. I tend to lean on the positive side most of the time. Which I think is usually a good thing. I feel like it is just in my nature to think positive thoughts. I would say that the only down fall to this is that each month I start to tell myself "No Amy you are not pregnant so don't get your hopes up" but then by the end of the month I am telling myself "Gee, I wonder if it is a boy or a girl" Or "I can hardly wait to tell all my family and friends". And then I get myself all filled with hope that I am pregnant. And 99.99% of the time I am not. I am not usually too crushed or too sad. I don't think that I live and dwell on the fact that it didn't happen again. I have my moment where I mourn it and I question it. But then I move on and keep thanking God for my one beautiful blessing.
Rylee. 

It felt like such a long wait for Rylee. I remember so many times crying with my family, my friends, and often to God saying "Why Lord?" But this time it feels so different. It feels long, but not as bad since I have Rylee. She fulfills so many deep places of my heart. I just feel sad for her now at times. She is so social and so sweet. And I feel like she would make the BEST big sister ever!! I know she wants it too. We talk about it sometimes. I know it is in her heart and I cry out to God now because not only do Aj and I want it, but Rylee does too. 

I am on my first round of taking progesterone. I am going to keep my Faith up! And I don't think I can ever stop hoping that the day will come when I can tell all my loved ones that we are pregnant with a sweet baby child that will be a true blessing and miracle from God. And I know that when that day comes that it will be a glorious day. I can hardly wait for it!! Until then I will keep you posted on my times with my fertility Dr. And I would love prayer that he will bless our family soon. Thanks!! And let me know if you need prayer for anything. I love to pray.
I always say you can never have too much prayer.

xoxoxo